So maybe some of you reflected upon the questions I posed at the end of the last post. I have now worked with many people to help them to embrace the experience of shame. By facing and engaging in mindful exposure of toxic shame, it no longer has to extract such a pernicious toll on our lives. But to reiterate, the idea is not to conquer, control or even manage shame, for such endeavors would only “feed the monster”.
Interestingly, their appears to be an archetypal image that people describe when they contemplate the experience of shame. For whatever reason, shame is almost invariably described as a black (or dark colored) “tar”, “ooze”, or “slime”. I have no idea why that is. What I do know, is that this imagery helps one to become more mindful of shame. One can more readily learn to recognize its presence through becoming aware with this mental representation. And in so doing, it helps them to target their attention upon the experience. And when one is mindful, shame becomes less able to exert its influence. Again, the danger in shame is not in its existence, but in our efforts to avoid or control it. That is the consistent theme of this approach.
Some people may experience shame as different from black tar. So for example on the last post, someone described it as a “Black green mold”. There can be a number of variants but they tend to all be quite similar. There is no right or wrong image. It doesn’t matter if you see it as iridescent flying toasters. What is important is that you have some symbolic reference to guide your attention.
Toxic Shame – Black tar
In the book, I describe some methods by which we can learn to “play with tar”. So, for one example, we can remind ourselves that we were not born with it. Somebody (eg., parents) gave it to us. If we chose, we can scoop it up and give it back. We can scoop it up and (with compassion) hand it back. Or, we can just learn to mindfully observe and play with it and in so doing, lose our fear of it. As we do this, it just naturally shrinks. Without effort or force. It just happens.
The book contains other exercises for helping us to face shame in other of its manifestations such as the shame that manifests in our physical bodies.
As the blanket of shame lifts, we will become increasingly aware of other “dark” emotions that have been held down….anger, fear, loss, helplessness and so on. But as shame becomes less of a controlling factor, we will be able to more fluidly experience these other feelings with an enhanced sense of legitimacy and internal compassion. We can take a huge step for returning back into ourselves and reclaiming our lives. That doesn’t suck.
