Toxic shame, by its very nature is furtive, secretive and incredibly slippery. It loves to evade detection (attention) and loves to live in the dark hidden recesses of our psyche. Like a vampire, it hates the light of day (mindful attention). The first step toward working with shame is to learn how to detect it and then how to train the flashlight of our mind on it.
Why is it so secretive? Toxic shame is the experience that we are not OK. That our thoughts, feelings and experiences are not OK. Even the experience of shame itself is not OK. Therefore, since we are conditioned to believe that our experiences have no inherent legitimacy, then it is understandable that we remove our attention from these experiences. This only serves to conserve the experience, since without mindful exposure, there is little chance for habituation or extinction to occur. And thus, like a virus, it is free to infect us in perpetuity.
To reiterate from the last post, our job is not to get rid of shame (nor any other feeling). Such an endeavor would only serve to reinforce shame and the belief that what we feel is not OK. In fact, the existence of shame is lawfully determined, just as everything else in the universe. It exerts its damage by our attempts to evade and control it. So the antidote is to face shame with mindful intent and compassion.
The first step is to recognize its myriad manifestations. Again, like a vampire it can wear many disguises. Below are some things we might think, feel or do that may indicate the presence of shame:
–Frequently feeling that you are not good enough.
–Frequently comparing yourself to others
–Frequently apologizing to others.
–Dismissing or trivializing your accomplishments.
–Frequently feeling that you should be doing more or working harder.
–Often feeling that you are not OK as you are.
–Often feeling that nobody can love you as you are.
–Difficulty making decisions.
These are just some indicators. In the book, I include the Personal Shame Inventory which I developed to help folks develop a more thorough awareness of how shame may influence their feelings and behavior.
Once shame is recognized, we must call it out by name. Never try to get rid of it or otherwise control it. Just keep watching it and naming it for as long as you can recognize its presence. And watch what happens.
A little exercise: If you are able to identify and mindfully focus on the experience of shame, I am going to ask you to consider a seemingly strange question. If you were to describe shame as a physical substance, what would it be? Does it have a color? Does it have a texture? What does it look like? In the next blog, I will describe how most people describe the experience of shame. You may find the results very interesting.
As always, please feel free to provide your thoughts, questions, and personal experiences. I would love for people to answer the above questions before I post my own observations.
8 Comments. Leave new
This is fascinating. I am so glad to have found your blog. It fills in some gaps for me with a friend that I mentor. Thank you!
Thanks for the response Heidi. It is always nice to know that people are being reached and impacted in some positive way.
Shame looks like mold. It is greenish black and smells rancid. It spoils what could be perfectly nice interactions with others, making me so self conscious that my heart pounds in my ears and I trip over my words and pummel myself mentally for days afterwards.
Great blog, and excellent book!
Thank you Andrea. You pose a very vivid metaphor for shame that is very similar to what others describe. Now that you have a more concrete awareness of the experience, it will help you to more readily work with shame. My best recommendation to you is don’t try to control shame. Embrace the shame with the full force of your attention and watch what happens. It is not easy to be sure, but a very worthwhile endeavor. Best of luck in your courageous pursuit!
I look forward to responses from others before my next post on Friday!
For me shame is colorless but it has a presence. I did not know it was the driving force behind many of my behaviors for years, many of which you listed above. In not knowing this life became very crippling, almost deadly.
In hindsight it’s presence was pressure (like a weight pressing on me) from the outside and torture from the inside of my head.
Once I became aware of what shame looked and felt like it has taken years to so see how embedded it was. wow I feel like it was as deep as the cellular level. Many times not I was not aware until I felt the physical presence. It has been a tough nut to crack.
It still has no color but its presence is like clothespins all over various parts of my body and darn if that doesn’t hurt. BUT shame has now reached the surface, a place where I can almost tangibly work
with it.
Thank you
Sometimes, shame is such a pervasive experience that it is difficult to localize or perceive in a tangible way. Due to your apparent courage and tenacity in facing this difficult experience, it sounds as though you are more able to recognize shame. It will no doubt continue to alter its disguises and manifestations as you continue your work. It should be a bit easier to work with now that you have a more concrete view of its existence. Thank you for sharing your very personal experience and best wishes for your remaining journey.
For me the physical substance of shame would be described as a gray cloud hovering over me. A darker gray perhaps and its heavy like depression sometimes weighing me down with deep sadness. Its like my head would pop up above the weight of it now and then due to how much praise and positive strokes from others would perk me up. I was not capable of sustaining myself above it on my own. I was dependent on others and everything around me then. I can identify with almost every indicator above.
Its presence rarely rears its ugly head anymore for me. Unless I’m in denial.
Thank you Doctor. Chris
Depression and shame often travel together for a variety of reasons. Shame prevents us from acting upon or expressing our feelings and needs which is a major contributor to depression. Shame also causes an inhibition of the expression of anger, since one is inclined to not feel a sense of legitimacy in this and other feelings. When feelings are suppressed, they can convert into depression, anxiety and a range of physical symptoms. The ensuing depression can frequently feel like a black or grey cloud or like a heavy weight or blanket draped over one. As one works through the shame that inhibits the expression of feelings, and one becomes able to responsibly express their feelings, this weight lifts in a very notable manner. Great thanks to you and everyone for having the courage to express these experiences. I’m sure this will encourage others to persevere in their healing journey.