Toxic Shame and Anxiety

I am increasingly discovering that many experiences that appear to be symptoms of anxiety actually are manifestations of toxic shame. Some research is emerging that is giving support to this observation. So for example, a significant subset of individuals with social anxiety disorder (anxiety and avoidance of social settings and activities such as public speaking) may actually be a manifestation of shame. It only makes sense that people who at their core feel badly about themselves, will feel threatened by situations that risk the possibility of negative social evaluation and judgement.

The experience of shame can also play a big role in other aspects of performance anxiety including test anxiety, since they feel pressure to “prove” their worth. Therefore any situation that can be seen as a test of their worth will promote tremendous anxiety. This anxiety can lead to feelings of being “overwhelmed” which in turn will lead to procrastination of tasks since there will be a tendency to avoid the cues that prompt such uncomfortable feelings. More on procrastination in a future blog post.

In so many ways, shame can produce or be confused with anxiety. So for example, one of my clients recently reported that he feels tremendous anxiety as he lay in bed at night. When asked to focus on this (see emotional surfing blogs), he reported the nightly thought and feeling that he should have accomplished more during the day. He was then asked to focus on this feeling and he described the deep-seated experience of shame in his stomach. This is unfortunately a common theme for so many people who feel defined by their “to do lists”. Certainly it is good to have goals, but all to often the tail winds up “wagging the dog”. There are so many ways in which shame contributes to or directly manifests as anxiety. By identifying and mindfully embracing the shame, we can experience a much wider range of choice and enjoy enhanced emotional freedom.

 

Never battle shame or get involved in a land war in Asia. Sage advice for individuals and governments.

 

Embracing shame:

The more someone tells themselves to not feel this way, the more doomed they are to feel anxious and apprehensive in such contexts and situations. Therefore, the most important first step in breaking the cycle of shame, anxiety and avoidance, is to maintain exposure to the shame provoking situations/settings. Don’t stop doing things that provoke anxiety and/or shame.

Secondly, invite shame and anxiety to come with you. Never get sucked into a control war with shame and never, never ever, get involved in a land war in Asia- Princess Bride quote:) Both are futile endeavors perennially doomed to failure.

Stay mindful of the experience by using emotional labeling. As long as the feeling is recognized, keep calling it out by name (in your head) and keep your mental focus mindfully  trained upon the experience.

Employ the Emotional Surfing exercise to more intently focus on the feelings of shame and to help peel the onion (see previous posts)

As always, you are greatly encouraged to contribute your own thoughts, experiences, or objections to help keep this a dynamic experience for all.

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10 Comments. Leave new

  • I find it interesting the correlation of anxiety to shame. I can identify the issue of the “to do” lists. I measured my day by how much I accomplished. I am one who likes to see results, perhaps one reason I like to clean.
    Your second paragraph sums it up well for me. For many years I struggled with Saturdays. I could never decide what to do first. It was torture at times trying to decide what I would feel best about. Going to “coffee” or breakfast with my sister or friends, or should I work on my “list”. If my husband asked to go out for breakfast that would ease the decision making process. Sense of accomplishment agony returned when we got home. He would move on to his list of things and be ok. Next I would be torn between housework or working on the next meal and the torment would continue with in me. It was miserable. I still struggle with that, not near as much but I do. I am learning to be ok with the moment of decision to do nothing. I live by myself now so I don’t have the other person to please any more. What a crazy cycle.
    Chris

    Reply
  • mm
    JerryDuvinskyPhD
    October 22, 2012 8:26 am

    Thank you Chris for this very powerful description of what I’m sure so many in our culture can relate to. As Lama Surya Das has stated, “We have become human doings as opposed to human beings” (paraphrased). We have in many instances become prisoners of our “To Do” lists. While it is useful to have goals and objectives, so many times the “tail wags the dog”. So why is this? My clinical experience informs me that for many individuals, they have learned to legitimize their existence through the continuous quest of trying to prove their worth. Many have learned that they are not acknowledged on the basis of who they are but rather on the basis of what they do. This is more likely to be the case in shame based family systems. Thus the fear of not getting things done becomes tantamount to fears of loss, abandonment and rejection. Thus our brain encodes associated cues as critically threatening. And so we avoid these cues by keeping extremely busy. If one is helped to mindfully expose the threatening cues that stem back to our early learning, we can, with some effort, habituate to these perceived threats. It is difficult in our culture since their is so much reinforcement for “industriousness”. Sadly, the more contemplative aspects of life are seldom acknowledged as having value. Thus, there are culturally and individual factors that contribute to the fear of “not doing”.
    It sounds like you are making progress. best of luck in your continuing journey.

    Reply
  • “Therefore, the most important first step in breaking the cycle of shame, anxiety and avoidance, is to maintain exposure to the shame provoking situations/settings. Don’t stop doing things that provoke anxiety and/or shame”

    Do you advise doing this and the emotional surfing alone?

    Reply
  • mm
    JerryDuvinskyPhD
    October 23, 2012 3:06 pm

    Thanks Heidi for the question since this may be unclear to others as well. As a general rule, when possible, it is advisable to not avoid anxiety or shame provoking settings/activities/situations. While experiencing in such situations, attempt to label the emotions you are experiencing in as specific a manner as possible. Keep labeling the feelings for as long as you can notice them. At other times, when you are in a more comfortable, private and controlled setting, you can pursue the Emotional Surfing exercise in order to more fully provide mindful exposure to the cues that potentially give rise to anxiety and shame. I hope this answers your question.
    If you live where there are therapists who are conversant with techniques to help people face the “dark emotions”, that may be advisable as an additional resource and support.

    Reply
  • This is a real eye opener and reminder for me. I’ve thought before that much of my anxiety is basically fear that I’m a failure, but it’s easy to focus on the mechanics of coping with anxiety and forget the cause. Thanks for this great reminder that social anxiety is often fear of being “found out” as a fraud – a substandard human being masquerading as a good person.

    Reply
    • mm
      JerryDuvinskyPhD
      July 20, 2013 8:24 am

      Great points Greg. The term “coping” tends to be used as a means of controlling or minimizing emotional responding elicited by various cues. My recommended approach, in contrast, is to directly face and embrace these avoided emotions and thereby providing an opportunity to grow through the experience. By facing the shame that is often elicited by social/evaluative situations, one can ultimately attenuate these difficult feelings and reduce the cycle of avoidance. Thank you for your comment!

      Reply
  • It is a normal reaction to the social anxiety and shame that we do everything in our power to hide our condition. Deep inside I think (and know) that openess is the right way. In theory this should make alot of social arenas easier because now people know and it creates learning possibilities. Still I’ve been struggeling for years to make the first step towards being open, and this all comes down to me not accepting myself (shame). Any thoughts on this? Is a first step in accepting anxiety and confronting the shame to “share your secret”?

    Reply
    • mm
      JerryDuvinskyPhD
      August 2, 2013 9:15 am

      Thanks for your excellent comment and question. Openness in any form is the antithesis of shame. Shame always compels us to hide and cover. Thus the more of ourselves that we can reveal, including being open about the feeling of shame itself, is a wonderful step towards personal growth. Shame will always seek the shadows. So let the light shine on shame and like a vampire it will disintegrate.

      Reply
  • Thanks for the advice. I suffer from a severe anxiety disorder. It makes it difficult to get things done once I have an anxiety attack. Having my bouts of anxiety feels like having a huge not in my stomach that’s eating away at it. I thought that your point about how shame can produce or be confused with anxiety is a really important one for people to realize. Most of the time I’ll feel ashamed about not doing any of the things that I’m supposed to get done, then I’ll start to have an anxiety attack. It’s getting out of hand, so I should see a counselor to help me figure out how I can regain control over my condition.

    Reply
    • mm
      JerryDuvinskyPhD
      March 7, 2015 9:49 am

      I definitely support your decision to seek professional assistance; preferably someone who is oriented to addressing issues directly at the emotional level (as opposed to cognitive). The feeling of shame when we are not doing something, whether its by choice or circumstance, is a very common experience. We have been raised to feel that we need to legitamize our existence at all times since often we are not conditioned to feel love and acceptance simply on the basis of who we are. It is therefore the fear of broken attachments, rejection and abandonment that drives the resulting feelings of anxiety. Therefore, the remedy would be to embrace these shames and fears directly. So in your case that would entail putting your full attention directly into that knot in your belly and simply sit with the pain in a mindful manner, paying close attention to all the stories and narratives that your mind wants to construct around the pain, but without getting sucked into those narratives. Just continue to mindfully label the feelings that surface.

      Reply

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