Mindful Loneliness 2
An important message bears repeating. So, as I have pointed out in numerous previous posts, it is not the emotions per se that are the source of suffering, but our desire to avoid, control and circumnavigate the difficult feelings such as loneliness that provide the basis for suffering. We often seek distraction to lift us from the void, emptiness, boredom and longing often produced by protracted periods of aloness. We may engage in many such distractions: Watching TV, going on line, eating, consuming drugs or alcohol and so on. We must ask ourselves the following questions: Are we doing these things for the positive enjoyment produced by such endeavors? Or is it that we just don’t know what else to do? Are we running from pain? If the answer to any of these is “yes” then we must first come to realize that such grasping will only serve to leave us feeling even more empty, more unfulfilled and more hollow.
mindful loneliness 2: reaching out
So the first step is to recognize our avoidant strategies, curtail or cease them and give ourselves permission to open ourselves up to the pain. We must give ourselves the option of ceasing the constant grasping, and holding that produces our inner tightness and tension and in stead allow a soft openness to our internal experience.
So in the case of loneliness, I might ask that you actually sit or lie down, close your eyes, and anchor the flashlight of your attention squarely into the feeling. While doing this, pay special attention to the physical location of the feeling. Note whether it is primarily in your chest, sternum, stomach or wherever. Discern the physical qualities of the sensation; whether it is a hollowness, an ache, a throbbing etc. Are there other associated emotions such as loss, sadness, shame or even anger? As one plumbs the depths of l0neliness, a surprising array of associated feelings, images, memories, and sensations will likely emerge. Just allow these to mindfully surface but without getting lost in them. In the words of the buddhist monk,Pema Chodron, “Mind the feelings, drop the drama”. This is not an easy fix and may require considerable practice and repetition.
As the grip of loneliness and despair gradually softens, one might eventually come to recognize behavioral alternatives and choices that they didn’t previously perceive. One might consider participating in a local meditation group, or any one of a number of local interest groups or organizations. Civic organizations exist in most communities. Senior centers and volunteer possibilities exist in many areas for senior citizens. On-line dating and friendship services exist for individuals for various interests and religious inclinations.
I do advise against relying exclusively on internet social sites such as Facebook, Linked In , Second life, and so on. Virtual relationships are not a viable replacement for actual relationships and research suggests that reliance on such media can deepen the sense of social isolation and despair.
As one considers reaching out, one may encounter a host of other fears and anxieties that might impede the exploration of possibilities. We can always find reason s to not do things but we must be able to admit to ourselves when the opposing motives exist on the basis of fear, shame, embarrassment and so on. Anything of potential risk and value contains at least some element of risk and discomfort. If we endeavor to stay comfortable and safe, our life will stay small. As you contemplates the fears and challenges associated with reaching out, mindfully embrace the fears and other emotions that arise in the manner prescribed above.
So face the fears, and reach for the stars. Who knows, even if you fall short, you just might catch a planet!
Please feel free to post your comments, experiences, or questions!
