“It can be said that we all live a short distance from ourselves”.
“Some introspection may lead us to the sobering recognition of how little time we stay engaged in our present setting, time and internal reality regarding our current feelings and experiences.”
“….the goal of the healing journey is not to no longer have feelings and experiences such as fear, shame or anxiety. It is our endeavors to control or subjugate them that causes a large percentage of our personal and interpersonal distress.”
“We must all be willing to jump into the abyss if we can ever recognize our ability to fly. True control can only be realized when we require no control at all.”
“Our quest for emotional control is often accompanied by unforseen consequences, some of which can be seen as amusing or tragic depending on circumstances and perspective.”
“As a culture, it can be said that we have become emotionally phobic.”
“Some introspection may lead us to the sobering recognition of how little time we stay engaged in our present setting, time and internal reality regarding our current feelings and experiences.”
“Perhaps the most ubiquitous mechanism of control that we, especially in western cultures employ, is the simple act of staying busy.”
“We have all learned to in some fashion, pull our attention away from where it hurts the most.”
“Don’t be a fart in the breeze.”
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In “Ordinary People”, a hugely popular Oscar-winning movie in the 80ies, the main character asks his therapist to help him be “more in control”. This was also my goal when I entered therapy. I wanted to shut out my negative feelings or, at the very least, assume a Stoic attitude: look cool on the outside even when boiling inside. This did not work for me. It did not make me feel either secure or free. The seemingly much more ‘dangerous’ alternative, less control, the holding of negative feelings, and a willing proximity to possible pain has been difficult but much more liberating. In my view, this is an honest book with an effective message written by a wonderful therapist.
Thanks for a beautifully written post John. It expresses so much of what people typically anticipate when they enter therapy. Understandably, people seek enhanced control since they feel so out of control of their feelings, symptoms and lives. So, at least initially, they are confused and bewildered as they come to learn that my approach is to help them directly face and embrace their pain, and to let go of their control mechanisms that serve a crucial role in the establishment and maintenance of their suffering. However, very quickly, they develop an intuitive understanding that this is truly the pathway to true healing. I frequently marvel at the courage individuals exhibit as they directly face difficult feelings, memories and images. The ensuing liberation that results is also marvelous to behold!